Taboo

If you've ever experienced losing someone you love then you are aware of the grief that follows. Unfortunately in many instances families and close friends fall into a pattern of not bringing up the individual that has passed on, especially to the person/people that were most affected by the death. This seems to be an automatic defense mechanism to prevent any further emotional stress. If we don't talk about the elephant in the room then the elephant doesn't exist. Unfortunately this couldn't be further from the truth. This doesn't happen because we have forgotten or stopped grieving. It happens because their is such a fear that by talking about the person that crossed over we will or those we love will be sent back into the throws of raw grief. Sadly we as humans are often not comfortable with another person's pain. We don't know what to do with it. If you lost your child, and mine is alive and well, how can I help you? I obviously can't bring your child back. If I talk to you about your child then you will probably cry and break down in a way that I can't fix or make better, which will then lead to me feeling guilty for hurting you. We are programed to fix, fix, fix! Regrettably no one has ever figured out how to heal another man's emotional heartbreak, and because of this we push that pain right under the rug. Again we do this as a way of protection and love for those grieving. Sadly we are causing more damage by making the deceased a taboo subject. It is crucial for the grieving to feel safe enough to reach out and express their feelings. At times the conversation may be related to the actual death, but mostly they want to reminisce. Such as, do you remember how beautiful mom's flowers were? Or, Didn't my dad have the most infectious laugh? The people left behind need to know and feel their loved one won't be forgotten. Often an individual in grief has a deep fear that their loved one has moved on so far away from them that their spiritual/emotional connection will be severed. If the supporting people around them don't make it comfortable for any type of expression ( including anger, bargaining, depression,etc.) then their fear is being fed. We can't band aid the pain, but we can listen with a compassionate heart. We can safely bring up the individual that crossed over in our conversations. I know for me personally when my mom passed from cancer, I found it to be extremely healing to be able to bring her up without people acting uncomfortable. If a person in grief is forced into a corner to deal with the hurt on their own then their grief process will take much longer to move through. This doesn't mean that we should obsess over their mention, but find a happy medium. The next time you are in a place of support for someone in grief don't allow the elephant through the front door. The only guests should be sympathy, empathy, love, and compassion. :)
Love and light,
Chantal